My pro-bono, unsolicited “radical honesty” campaign for the dreaded LinkedIn.
Brand Statement: You are your job — and nothing else.
Target: Women & Men 19-55 who enjoy in-service training, off-site trust falls and on-call overtime.
Messaging Objective: Empowering the little voice in your head that’s perpetually hissing, “Get back to work, slacker!” Because even during life’s unbearable moments of would-be leisure, LinkedIn keeps your brain submerged in a virtual slurry of office humblebragging and break room Keurig mud — bolstering your all-consuming identity as a happy cog in the glorious meat-grinder of capitalism.
Tone: Aspirational, Compliant
Competition: The chattering reanimated head of Dale Carnegie surgically grafted to your shoulder.
#LinkedIn #socialmedia #socialimpact #branding #performativeworkaholism #existentialdread #hashtagsFTW
Brand Statement: Basically… Facebook In Pleated Khakis
Messaging Objective: As society awakens to the reality that social media is a malignant cancer on the soul of humanity, position LinkedIn as not as a rapacious, data-harvesting villain that reduces people to virtual chattel, but as a compulsory theatrical facet of modern professionalism, rejection of which poses a horrifying existential threat.
Target: Male & Female 21-65, who enjoy food, shelter, clothing, and PPO healthcare plans.
Tone: Officious, Anxiety-Triggering
Competition: Human Interaction